Four Years Ago

Shelbie L Fitness

Almost 4 years ago to the day I decided to change my life. My entire life I have battled my weight, still am. Probably always will. I have always been a.) over weight. B.) extreme eating disorder. There has never been an in between. Until now. Well, until the last 4 years that is. When I sat crying and hating myself for being back at square one in my mind, fat again. I knew how to lose the weight-- I had done it once already. I would starve, binge, vomit repeat. Worked once, right? Then I looked into the brownest most sweetest eyes I have ever seen, Calvin Michael. I knew he deserved better. How could I teach a man to love women and treat women if I couldn't even love myself.

I made a commitment to him and to me and haven't looked back since. I have had my set backs yes but over I all I won, I'm winning. It's not a matter of having an eating disorder, bulimia -- that will always be a disease that will always follow me, that I will always carry. It's a matter of control, the eating disorder has it or I have it. Right now, I have it. To some having the words "Just Eat" forever on my body is dumb. But to me it means the world because for a long time, I couldn't. And unless you have fought those battles, you'll never understand them.

There are still days I just feel like I can't. Seeing this reminds me that I can and that will and that all I have to do is-- just Eat.

The Glamorous Life of Cleaning Toilets

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Earlier this month, I had an opportunity to have my hair and makeup done for a photo shoot. I have never felt so beautiful in my entire life. My friend, Kaylin, is one of the best professional makeup artist in the St. Louis area. And not even one month ago she set up shop in my little tiny house and made me feel the most beautiful I've ever felt in  my entire life. Glamorous! That's how I felt, so glamorous. She made me feel like a whole new person by taking the time to glam me up. I loved it!

Yesterday, while at work, cleaning toilets. I thought to myself, back to that day and how glamorous I felt, that mixed with all this hard work and the feed back I get that I lead this  "glamorous" life of working out and eating healthy and making funny videos for Instagram and so on and so fourth-- yet here I am cleaning the toilet of a stinky men's locker room at the gym. I'm not sure if yall knew this, but in addition to the my nutrition and personal training, I also help manage the gym.

As I was walking out of the locker room to get some more cleaning products, one of the older gentlemen who I see day after day, gave me a big grin and hard time about keeping the locker rooms clean and how he noticed I'm always "bouncing around like a ping pong ball,"  😂 he said "you are just bouncing all over the gym cleaning it." 

We talked and joked back and forth for a minute and then he asked me, why if I had so much other stuff going on don't I just delegate out the cleaning of things like the toilets, for example  😏. Honestly I'm not even sure what I answered. I'm positive it was something sassy and sarcastic, because that's just how I am. Especially with these regulars I have at the gym. 🙊😂

But as I walked away and went back to cleaning my toilets. I thought to myself, about his question. He's right I could easily delegate things like cleaning toilets to some of my evening girls. And honestly sometimes I do, there's just not enough hours in the day and I don't have time to get to it. But when I do have time, I always do it! 

The reason behind that is the same reason and the concept behind it is very similar to  that of why, I teach free classes at the gym. And that reason is, because it matters, it's important. To be completely honest I could fill a paying client in those free class slots with a drop of a hat. But I will never do that, no matter how busy I get I will never not offer those free classes. And no matter what my position or rank is at my job, I will never not clean the toilets. Why? Because it matters. Those things, matter.

Somewhere along the way our society has lost the respect we once had for the oil that runs of the machine. The people who our society would literally crumble without.

Some how it has became the norm, to look down or feel above  those who clean toilets, or flip burgers, or pick up trash, the truck drivers, the farmers, the janitors the blue-collar people who do the jobs that most people don't want to do.

All of a sudden it is expectable for everyone to be so driven by a dollar or glamour to achieve their success-- that they felt doing things like cleaning the toilets or doing something for free because it was right, was below them or not worth their time. It's to bad honestly, as it's so important to hang on to where you came from, to keep that in front of you as you climb the ladder to your desired success. For me success means happiness-- they are the same thing. I'm not worried about money or status. I could care less about keeping my hands clean and not "having to" work. I just want to be happy.

It doesn't bother me at all to clean those toilets at the gym, it's not my first choice but I don't mind it. It's important to be proud of and help take care place you work at. That's why I clean the toilets.

Until the day I stop training I will teach free classes for members at the gym, I WILL NEVER charge for them regardless of the success I achieve through all of this. Why? Because what I do has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with the people I work with. I want those people to feel comfortable, I want them to trust me. I want them to know that they can come to me and ask me how or what and I'm not going to turn my nose up to them because of a dollar. I won't do it.

Below is a picture from the day that Kaylin made me feel the most glamorous I've ever felt. I would be lying if I said I felt like this as I'm cleaning toilets at the gym 😂✋🏼. I for sure don't. But the point is I'm the same person. On that day, feeling so glamorous. And yesterday sweaty and disgusting mess with a backwards hat on on my hands and knees scrubbing the toilets! It's the same person.

I can promise you one thing, there are glamorous and not so glamorous parts to EVERY job! It's a matter of seeing it or not! Be nice to the oil that runs our Machines people. No one is better than anyone.

Find Some Balance

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This weekend has been a weekend of food to say the least. It's like that for a lot of people this time of year, I think. For me food, especially food that isn't good for me is such a mental hurdle.

When I eat bad it can and will, literally consume my mind for days if I let it. A lot of that stems from being over weight my entire life, but the majority of that feeling comes from my eating disorder that I battled for such a long time.

You see eating disorders are incredibly mental-- they start in your head and work their way out. Part of the recovery process and staying strong is recognizing that feeling and redirecting it. For the longest time (as in years) when I would eat something bad (or anything really) I would instantly throw it up-- in my mind I was controlling the food. I was able to eat it and it not effect my weight. Wrong. That food and that eating disorder was controlling every aspect of my life. It was constantly on my mind. I had zero balance in my life with food, my emotions or my weight. My obsession with my weight and my body controlled everything.

Fortunately I have figured out a way around it. The way I have done that is understanding that balance is important and crucial. And obsessing over anything is not good.

Again, It's not good to obsess over anything-- be that, over indulging, over doing it in the gym, or simply not eating at all.

Remember that weight loss and heathy living doesn't happen over night. It takes time and that though it's a life style it's not all there is to life! Enjoy donuts and birthday dinners, drink wine and skip a workout, take time to find the balance.

There's always going to be someone telling you:

"you're to skinny."

"You're to fat"

"All you do is workout"

"You need to eat more."

 

Bla bla bla bla bla.

At the end of the day you owe no one a spread sheet or break down of your life and your sense of balance.

For me personally looking back at how far I've come reminds me that it's okay to not let those cheat meals or indulgence consume my mind for days like they once did. I can't lie, I still get a little worried and stressed durning the aftermath of the meal or meals-- it comes with the territory of having had an eating disorder for as long as I did. However I can now pull myself out of that, where is before I couldn't.

Do yourself a favor and find some balance. 😘