You may think I'm crazy, but I guarantee you I feel more insane than any of you could imagine. I was talking to my friend, Jamie today about how much I struggle with body image disorder. And how REAL it is. All of the time I hear people talking about mental illnesses and how they are in people's head most of the time. It makes me so mad and sad really because it's the furthest thing from the truth-- I know that because I suffer from a very long list, none of which are in my mind and all of which have been diagnosed and have or are being treated.
Bulimia--which also effects my physical well being. Thank the lord I was able to work myself out of this dark hole.
Body image disorder-- somedays it consumes my mind other days it's like I've never experienced it.
Anxiety-- it's going to be fine.
ADHD- which went undiagnosed for so long and played a huge part in my out of control eating disorder and anxiety. I honestly have no idea I how functioned as long as I did with out help for this.
Thank the lord I'm in a very different place than I once was. That being said I have moments, bad days sometimes even bad weeks. There have been times where I can not for the life of me figure out what's wrong with me. I hate looking in the mirror and struggle to eat and my happiness is lost for a bit. Im so overwhelmed by it I just cry. I have no idea how this happens or why. But it does. And every single time I feel like I'm back at square one, when in fact I don't actually even know where that is, square one. All I know is that's how I feel. All this time and work and I'm back at square one. But here's the thing, there's always a but, or positive as my friends say lol...the difference now is my mindset-- it's completely different than it once was. Now when I get stuck in those moments I work my way out of them. How? In a addition to being okay with and no longer ashamed to ask and receive help from my doctor and medication I also do what I call, fake it until you make it. I pretend to be happy when I'm not. I compliment myself when I all I see is grossness ( I know it's not real and don't think I'm gross but also struggle with remembering that.) I'm nice to people I have hate in my heart for. I stand in front of things I'm scared shitless of. I don't respond to people who say bad things about me, as much as I want to yell at them and reply to their ignorance, I stay quite. And last but not least I stand up every single time I get knocked down.
Having self worth and happiness is a choice. Changing your life is a choice. Choices I have made. That being said, just because I made those choices doesn't mean that's it. That's never it.
Wouldn't it be awesome if we could think
"Okay. Today is the day. New me. New life. I'm so happy everything is perfect and I'm done being negative Nancy, whine about it Wanda, and judgmental Judy. Done done and done. I love life and everyone in it--I'm so happy now. Yay. Go me."
Ya it doesn't work like that. It's so hard somedays. Being nice to yourself and the people around you. But you want to know what's also hard? Being sad. It's actually so much harder to be sad than it is to be happy. The hard part of being happy is the expectation of what being happy supposedly means and what it actually is. Being happy is not about having the perfect life or the perfect body. Or the perfect Facebook post. Being happy is about finding reasons to want to live without being overwhelmed and lost.Being happy is about appreciating yourself and those around you. That's it. No more. No less.
Somedays it will suck. You will have to start over 1,000 times. But trust me when I say if you can find a deeper reason than the number on the scale, the amount friends on your list, the insane idea of what a marriage should be and the entitlement of someone owing you something. The thought you have in your head that everything is someone else's fault. All of that bullshit you keep telling yourself, or I guess that I kept telling myself. If you let that go, then you'll find it. The freedom you're looking for. Of the mental illness and struggles you face.
❤️anyone can do anything!