The Parts of the Story, Most Don't Want You to See.

It is no secret that I am in good shape. My hobby, my job, my life, everything-- now revolves around keeping myself healthy. Not only my physical health but my meantal and emotional. So often when you think of body image and self hate, you think of someone who is over weight. Which I have been, for the first half of my life, that's all I ever knew. However the most recent (last 4 years) struggle I have faced is, being to thin or underweight-- the eating disorder I had for years has caused that issue. Because I torched myself for so long, by starving myself and throwing up everything I ate, I have conditioned myself to unintentionally starve myself when I experience any emotion other than happiness. Sounds crazy right? Unintentionally starving myself. But it happens. Especially when I'm stressed. I will go days without even realizing, I've only nibbled on foods but am still balls to the wall active 🤦🏻‍♀️.

It is odd to me to think back to how I once would uncontrollably over eat to console myself compared to now--I do the exact opposite. Odd it is, but here we are.   

However I will say, I try. I try so hard to beat this sickness I have that I will always have. I'm not proud of it. But I am proud of me. 

In the past week or so I have heard over and over, " you're really skinny right now. More than usual. Are you eating enough" or " you need to eat" or " are you eating" the list goes on.

Im going to be real with you, I know. I know what you are seeing and I know your concerns, and they are correct. I may not see myself the way you see me, skinny(I don't think I'll ever be able to see myself that way but whatever lol) but I can feel it. My bones hurt, I get winded walking, I'm tired but I can't sleep, I'm cold, there are so many signs that I feel, when this happens. I think maybe people forget that, I've been fighting this for years--I know I have an eating disorder. But I'm stronger than it and I beat, most days!

I have "just eat" tattooed on my body. But like everything, sometimes its not that easy. But you know what is easy?! Choosing to not lose the war even if I occasionally lose a battle. Choosing to never stop fighting to be healthy and strong, even when it is hard. Choosing to not be ashamed of my hard days. Choosing everyday to believe that today, I will be better. And guess what? 90% of the time, I am better.

Please remember that you have to be kind to each other and to be kind to yourself. Be open to and learn how to support people how they need it-- telling someone they need to lose weight, when they do, isn't what they need. Telling someone they need to eat, when clearly they do, doesn't make them feel good. The best way to be supportive of someone who struggles with their body is to love them and be willing to take steps with them. Go workout with them, offer to learn to cook something new with them, tell them you're proud of their efforts. Because that's what will lead them  to their success, effort. A lot of effort. The more effort is appreciated, the more it grows.

Love yourself and keep trying. ❤️