Welcome to my world.
You know those moments when you feel trapped? Those times you feel like nothing is working in your favor no matter how hard you try? Me too. For years I felt lost. I felt scared. I felt alone. But above all, I felt like I had no where to turn. I never want you to feel like that.
My entire life I have struggled with self worth, or lack there off. Food has been my friend for as long as I can remember. And if I am being honest, until now (most days lol) I have never had a healthy mentality, good attitude or positive mindset about myself or my body. Because of this I have battled depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder, Attention Deficient Hyperactive Disorder, obesity, bulimia, self hate and anger. Just to name a few-- I numbed and punished myself by not eating and drinking more than anyone should. I was in a tailspin before my adult life even started. By 19 years old I had dropped 75 pound from my 225 pound self. I did so in a matter of months-- I would not eat and if I did I was finding a way to sneak off and throw it up. I was drinking and partying all the time. A mess. Just a mess. Seeking and receiving the wrong kind of attention all of the time. To me, though, it didn't matter. For once someone was looking at me. I felt important and pretty-- and I knew it was because I had lost weight. It almost fueled my fire, I would see how long I could go with out food, I would only eat food I knew I could easily vomit up. I was stuck in an awful cycle. I didn't care that the attention I was getting was surface and that the ones giving it were after one thing and one thing only. I only cared about the fact that I was finally worth looking at, I was finally NOT the fat girl. The saddest part of all of it, I was so, so, sad. I was even more miserable and full of self hate than I had ever been, even with the weight. I lived that that, imprisoned in my own mind for 3 years. I sometimes look back and wonder how I made it out. Then I look into the most beautiful and sweetest brown eyes I ever did see, and then I know. I made it out because there was a sweet baby boy that was destine to me mine. Calvin. My son, he was the reason God got me out of that time of my life. I'm so thankful for my sons father, Tim he was the link to my purpose. I know that without any doubt in my mind. He believed in me as a mother, and gave me purpose by giving me a son. Without getting off on a tangent, I will just say for someone who as never had a mother, mothering was something I doubted I could do from the moment I got pregnant. Tim got me through that. I am forever grateful to him for that. Becoming a mother gave me hope and it gave me life.
Fast-forward. I'm 25 now. I just moved to a new town where I know, no one. Not one person. I no longer have a job or a soul I know within 5 hours of the home my then husband and 6 week old baby just moved in to. I was happy that I was now a stay at home mommy and wife. But I was also sad. My whole had just changed and not just that, that 18 year old fat girl that I tried so hard to get rid of stood staring back at me in the mirror. I couldn't even look at myself. I was back at square one with my body. I hated it. I could feel ,myself slipping back into the dark days I was once in. I will never forget the day I decided I was worth more. I looked at Calvin and thought, "how am I going to teach him to love someone when I cant even love myself.'
Even just thinking back it makes me laugh a little. How ridiculous i felt making myself do what I did, but I did it and honestly it saved my life.I stood in the mirror and made myself say 3 nice things to myself. I made a promise to myself that I was going to give the whole stay at home mom thing all I've got, I was going to plan my days like it was a job, I was going to choose to be happy everyday. I made myself work out. I made myself get up and get ready every day. I taught myself how to cook healthy and I stuck to it. I became my own best friend, because I had no one. My husband, at the time worked a lot and sadly looking back we were growing apart before either of us realized what was happening. I put everything I had into being a mom and finding myself.
To hold myself accountable I made a Facebook status that about my eating disorder and new track to a healthy lifestyle-- before I knew it people started following it. Not a lot but enough to get me excited and make me want to keep going. I put myself through classes to become a personal trainer and made a commitment to help just one person never feel the way I felt.
The rest is kind of a blur. Here I set 4 years later, in a different home I have built with a new man, Matt. With my son who is sitting on his lap, after being dropped off by his amazing dad who was once my husband but is now one of our, as in Matt and I's closest friends. We are rising Calvin as a team. With support of all three of these men and countless people of our community and my home town and a few other corners of our country-- a little fitness community has been built. ShelbieLFitness&Nutrition was born. Over the course of the last 4 years, friendships have been built, weight has been lost and self worth has been found. There are moments I look at these people who come to these boot camps week after week and wonder where I would be without them. The answer is simple. No where. I would be no where without them.
I am forever grateful for the life that I lead. There will never be a person who comes to me for help that I will turn away, and there will never be a person that I don't believe in. Anyone can do anything, I will never not believe that. If you want self worth. You are in the right place, we will help you find it.